I have very little self-tolerance for victim-playing as an excuse for not coping with my life.

Like anyone, I’m really really freaking hard on myself. Why aren’t I doing more? Why am I complaining? Why am I letting {this} get the better of me? Why why whyyyyyyyy?

And, like everyone, I have lots of reasons to blame life for why I am the way I am.

{insert long-winded, whiney, annoying list here}

I used to pride myself in not playing the victim to the life that was handed to me. I saw it as a sign of weakness, a sign of letting THAT determine my happiness. And I wouldn’t have a bar of it.

What’s happened to me has shaped me into ME. And I’m rah! I am a tough cookie, I’m stubborn, I’m a fighter and an independent PITA. If all the life that’s been handed to me in my 35 years didn’t happen to me? I wouldn’t be who and where I am right now. And I love who and where I am right now. Most days anyway ;)

Whenever I am in a really really dark place, I give in and become the victim. I hate it, but there are times when I’m just too emotionally exhausted to fight it. When I was younger, it was really easy to snap myself out of it, though.

I distinctly remember a rough phase I was going through in my early 20s. I was all doom and gloom and exhausted from carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders. I was working in Packer Towers and was ambling up from Dolly Magazine editorial on level 6 to our department on level 8 (a trek I would make a gazillion times a day) and I still remember on one ordinary day when I put my right foot on that first step in the fire stairs and told myself “stop playing the victim, rah” and I immediately felt better, got over myself and moved on.

That was almost 15 years ago and my ability to just snap out of it has waned. In so many ways I am so much stronger now than I ever have been, but my mental elasticity to just stop being a sook hasn’t stuck around.

Tonight I found this pic over on the Coping with Jane FB page:

rahest-play-the-heroine-not-the-victim

and it made me realise that in recent years I’ve let myself be the victim again, for longer than I realised. And for someone like me who has been so anti-victim? That’s one hell of a realisation.

So I’m taking myself back. It’s time for me to put one foot in front of the other again and leave the victim behind. I don’t know if I feel like I can be the heroine, but you know what? I’m gonna give it a go.

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11 thoughts on “The victim

  1. This is really something I had never thought about before, but it’s a good thing for me to have read today, so thank you! (also, I have been reading your blog – not commenting because I am lazy – but just wanted to say hello and I am enjoying!). xx

    Posted on 5 August 2013 at 10:11 pm
    1. haha, you don’t have to comment all the time (commenting is such a pita, not even I do it, ha!)
      hope today’s better than yesterday m’love xx

      Posted on 6 August 2013 at 11:59 am
  2. I think you’re amazing. It makes much more sense in my opinion of you that you’re the hero than the victim.

    That said, I was thinking about this and I think that being a victim is a necessary step in the path to taking control of what has happened to you, the choices you’ve made the ones you make every day. You just can’t stay there forever if you want a big life filled with awesome Rah worthy things.

    So get thee to that bow and arrow lady and storm the fort or whatever it is you have going on there. Big love to you my friend! x

    Posted on 5 August 2013 at 10:17 pm
    1. SO TRUE! gotta have the bad to appreciate the good
      thank youuuuu, you always know what to say

      not long until I get to give you a real life cuddle (and hangover!) xx

      Posted on 6 August 2013 at 11:59 am
  3. love you xxxx

    Posted on 5 August 2013 at 10:19 pm
    1. luff ewe moar!! *hug*

      Posted on 6 August 2013 at 11:57 am
  4. You’re my hero!

    Posted on 5 August 2013 at 10:28 pm
    1. Your face is my hero! :p
      xx

      Posted on 6 August 2013 at 11:57 am
  5. Go you good thang and I LOVE the fancy new header it’s perfect for you x

    Posted on 6 August 2013 at 6:25 am
    1. giddy up! xx

      Posted on 6 August 2013 at 11:57 am
  6. Good on you! I think we are all capable of making our own stories…our own lives. Sure shit happens but then we can eventually choose whether to be the victim or the heroine for the rest of our lives. *Hugs* to you!

    Posted on 19 August 2013 at 8:23 pm