I have something very important to tell you. Something I’ve only started talking about recently.

It’s a bit… well, embarrassing

And it’s related to Bert Newton:

Yes, it’s true. I have a crush on Moonface Junior, Matt Newton:

Yes, he’s been charged for beating up ex-girlfriends. Yes, he’s the son of Bert Newton. But there’s just something about him. He’s cheeky, a bit of a bad boy, has boofy hair… and I can’t stop swooning.

Please don’t tell too many people, I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole village!

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